The measles vaccine is 97% effective but I’m 100% sure I know better


BY THEODORE FOSTER | 10/28/2017 08:42 AM PST

There’s a been a lot of talk lately from so called experts about how effective the measles vaccine is, but I’m not so sure. Now look, I’m just one man and these are just my opinions but I’ve also thought a lot about them (for almost three weeks, to be exact). If you listen to my points, in your heart of hearts, you just might find my ideas persuasive—especially, if you already agree with me.

Ok, so let’s start with first point, doctors advocate for vaccines. Doctors may not be as hated as clowns or dentists, but have you ever liked going to the doctor’s office? Personally, I do not. This brings me to my next point: I don’t trust things I don’t like. For instance, I don’t like it when a conman tries to sell me snake oil. Call me old fashioned, but I like to buy snake oil from a snake oil salesman. Here’s another example: I can’t stand the damn DMV. That’s why I don’t wear a seat belt. Am I really supposed to restrict my personal liberty to put a smile on the face of some bureaucrat? Seatbelts save lives? Well go ahead and explain me then. I’ll wait.

While I wait, here’s my next point: are we making society too safe? Call me nostalgic for a time I didn’t live in, but aren’t the good old days called the good old days for a reason? I’ve never once heard someone call them the bad old days. So what if we reclaimed that pioneer spirit? Can’t you sort of remember when we used to rub dirt in our wounds as opposed to using sterile medical equipment? If you can’t, you might be the part of the problem. You also might not be using your imagination.  

That brings me to another point I didn’t even know I was going to make, since when did we condemn people for using their imagination? If we, as a society, told people not to dream, we wouldn’t have the internet or airplanes or season two of the Big Bang Theory. So, why shouldn’t I dream? Or are some people’s dreams more nightmarish than others? Exactly.

And finally, allow me to conclude with this very last point because, perhaps, you still haven’t been convinced by all of previous arguments. Sometimes you’ve got to trust your gut, like when you’ve had two plates of loaded nachos, a hot dogs, shrimp scampi, all-you-can-eat salad but still decide to have not one but two slices of funfetti cake get really sick from having an upset stomach. You knew better than to have that funfetti cake, Theodore. I didn’t trust my gut then, but I sure as hell trust my gut now. After all, vaccines are only as effective as we want them to be.

Thank you.

Lori GaffneyComment